People we’re done with

Today we’re particularly done with a famous person that we’ve been hearing a lot about lately:

Attempted Racecar Driver, Danica Patrick

Now, we know what a lot of you might be thinking…maybe “You’re just against her because she’s a woman in a man’s sport.” Or maybe, “She’s a winning driver, and was rookie of the year.”  Or even possibly, “She’s really hot.”

First of all, we have no problem with a woman driving an Indy car.  If she has the chops, she can drive.  After all, this isn’t basketball!  The problem is with the concept that she’s any good at what she does.  Let’s look at her career.

Starting with her most recent season (2008), as of this writing she has been in 10 races so far. In those 10 races, she has had the opportunity to go around the track 1,870 times.  Of those 1,870 laps, she has led…wait for it…wait for it…a grand total of 3 laps!  Expressed as a percentage, she wins .1 % of the time.  Keep in mind, that is one tenth of one percent.  Or, to make it a little more striking, she loses 99.9% of the time.  Everyone got really excited this year when she won her first race.  That race was the only race in which she led any laps at all, and also the only time she even finished in the top 5.  Mama Cass could’ve outraced her, all while eating a Costco Chicken Bake.

To compare this to actual Indy racer Scott Dixon, who leads in overall points, he has led 633 laps with 3 wins, and he only finished out of the top three in two races.  This is a 33% win ratio.  That means that every time he goes around the track, he has a 33% chance of being in the lead, while Danica Patrick has a 33% chance of posing after the race for some half-naked pictures.

Think this season is an anomaly?  Since she started racing in 2005 she has started in 57 races, and has won only 1 (which we already stated).  This is of course, a .2% win ratio (we rounded up).  But even if we considered finishing in the top 5 winning (which we don’t), her win ratio would still be only 16%.  To tease the numbers further, she has gone around the track 9,728 times in her career.  Of those 9,728 laps, she has led 83.  This gives us a win rate of .8%.  She loses 99.2% of the time.  In her career, she has made $3,201,315.  That is a lot of money!  Of course, if David Letterman bought me a race car, all the gear I needed, race entries, and a pit crew, I would still let Mama Cass drive drunk and beat Danica, just for the heck of it.

Of course, some of you will still protest because “she’s hot.”  To which we respond, she is all made up and photoshopped.  Under those conditions, you might be fantasizing about Mama Cass instead.  And the proof:

OK–we take it back. She’s hot!  But she still can’t drive

People we’ve offended: Danica Patrick, Indy fans who don’t really know anything about racing, David Letterman, Mama Cass, all overweight female race car drivers who eat while driving, Costco’s Chicken Bake

Great Gift Hall of Fame

I can’t think of the times we have thought to ourselves, “everyone else, why don’t we have ‘Transparent Mats?” With a name like that, these should be flying off the shelves. They have also helped you by bolding the word “Mat” in case you thought they were selling a “Transparent.”

Of course, it isn’t just about having the right product. Everyone needs a personal inflatable flotation device that is also possible look through. This is in case of the off-chance that you might be spear fishing with your mat, or maybe you have a waterproof television at the bottom of the pool. This product is gold.

Now of course, the marketing people saw the opportunity to retire when presented with Transparent Mat and knew that the name should follow function. Perhaps they were no-nonsense Germans, but no…Chinese who didn’t want too many words to mess up.

The presentation had to be right. You need to say, “If you get Transparent Mat, women will want you.” Enter, sexy, exotic swimsuit model…er…this girl:

What intrigues us is probably a combination of the fact that this girl is quite unattractive (she looks way better here than on the package…hooray for pixelization), the fact that she has no business in a swimsuit, and the fact that she is holding 3 Transparent Mats. This leaves you with the impression that she is just waiting for you to join her, maybe bring a friend, and eat some curry as we lounge lazily looking at the bottom of the pool.

Now, we know that this girl has gotten many of you all excited. But alas, as you see here “decorative items used as photo props are not included.” You thought she came with the Transparent Mat, but noooo. Get your own husky swimsuit model.

Great gift idea for: That guy that works at the 7-11 down the street. You know the one that just bought the new above-ground pool?

People we’ve offended: Germans, Chinese, Indians, husky swimsuit models, people with televisions at the bottom of their pools, the makers of Transparent Mat

People we’re done with

Everyone Else is really tired of:

• Paris Hilton & crew of celebutantes
• Sex and The City over-aged granny-tramps
• All Entertainment Tonight style celebrity “news” shows
• Entertainers who think we care what they think about politics (OK, so you are good at pretending to be someone else and reading lines someone else has written for you. That doesn’t make you brilliant in our book. Yeah, you can go ahead and dress up at your award shows, but we’re done with you).
• Lame one-trick-pony, famous for 15 minute internet crossover stars (we’re talking about you, Tila).
• Anyone threatening to move out of the country because of an election outcome. Please move now!
• Bono
• Have you ever noticed that Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a man? No, we mean she really might be. We’re not sure, but we know we don’t want to find out. Just to be sure, we’re done with you too (in case you ignored the “Sex and the City” one above.
• Quentin Tarantino (you aren’t a brilliant filmmaker. All of your pathetic attempts remind us of that time when we were in Junior High and we got all of our buddies together to make a movie, and well, you know how that goes).

Add your own below. It will be fun!

People we’ve offended: All the people above, fanboys of the above, probably that one weird internet chick (yeah, we know she’s supposed to be a guy…but really…) who screams on her Vlog about Brittany, U2 fans (you are separated from fanboys because the band is actually really good).

Great Gift Hall of Fame

Actually, I don’t know how ridiculous this product actually is. I guess it would be handy if you are this guy.

Our favorite thing about it is its extra long handle, for those heavy, hairy guys. Either way, this is not what you want to leave out on the counter for your girlfriend to see. Bonus points for the name “ManGroomer” instead of “de-nastinator.” That would have been Everyone Else’s choice.

Great gift idea for: Robin Williams

People we’ve offended: The big-boneded, Robin Williams, and all Greek people

Soap on a Rope

As we all know, Father’s Day is quickly approaching. We’ve all heard statistical comparisons of how many calls, flowers, cards, and gifts are sent out on Mother’s Day, versus that of Father’s Day. Of course there’s the famous oft-cited example of the prison that provided inmates with free cards to send out for mother’s day. It was such a success that the prison decided to do the same thing for Father’s Day. What they found out, of course, was that the prisoners who were wild about sending out cards for Mother’s Day had absolutely no interest in sending out cards to their fathers. All of this has made us here at Everyone Else think about the role of fathers and men in society.

If you’ve ever gone to church with Mom on Mother’s Day, you would recognize the typical Sunday morning sermon preached on that day just about everywhere. You know the one that talks about great stories of mothers from the past. Famous mothers in the Bible are mentioned. It honors our mothers for who they are in our lives and the selfless acts often associated with motherhood. Celebrating that is very important. Mothers are usually wonderful and selfless people who make our families run.

Of course, if you’ve ever done the same on Father’s Day, you would easily recognize that the same thing is not true on this particular day for fathers. The typical Father’s Day sermon is packed with good advice on how dads can be better fathers, what a father’s role should be, and even sometimes it honors mothers who stepped into this father’s traditional parental role.

This is not specific to church services. Take a look at the cards available for Father’s Day. There are really deep ones, but there are also many that point out dad’s role as a geek, an ignoramus, and our current research favorite “moneybags.” This is backed up by ludicrous gifts available at every store, most of which (and trust us on this, we’ve done the research) no man would ever want. Have you ever heard anyone say, “If I only had soap-on-a-rope,” or “If only I had a brightly colored T-shirt that says ‘world’s best dad’ to wear around my golfing buddies.” Your ties usually end up at the back of his closet, and he has never lusted after a remote control caddy (which has got to be the most demeaning of all possible gifts). The point of this is not that Father’s deserve better gifts, but that these gifts are usually purchased as an after-thought out of duty, not because of deep affection. And yes, to answer your question, we do realize that dads do often like silly tongue-in-cheek cards and gifts (we can visualize you tip-tapping your comments now).

This doesn’t seem to be something that’s particular to just Father’s Day though. Everyone Else believes that this is part of something much bigger, a complete degrading of men in our society as a whole. We are not saying that all of this is part of a giant conspiracy by an illuminati of Amazon women, pulling the strings of society. It is mostly disorganized social change, but it is pervasive.

Have you noticed that every TV show that has a family as its central setting and cast of characters basically has the same plot: teenage kids that regularly show disrespect for the parents; possibly grandparents, or extended family, that are roughly 2 dimensional characters, who present challenges; a father who creates chaos through poor parenting and adolescent behavior; and a mom who holds everything together and is the foundation of the family. We are sure that there are notable exceptions, but if you find one, it’s only because you’ve looked quite hard.

Have you noticed men portrayed in commercials lately. The case is almost always the same. It’s always either some guy who doesn’t know enough about something that’s quite obvious, and has to have explained to him by a woman, probably his wife or girlfriend. Or sometimes when there’s no woman present we get to see what makes a man really tick, which is of course food, sex, or of course beer.

I wasn’t always this way. This all is something of a recent invention. The women’s liberation movement, more women in the workplace, and societal changes largely having to do with men abandoning their families entirely, and many other factors have created this. This has led to the devaluation of men. But should this be the case? When any segment of society is pushed down, or oppressed, the whole of society suffers. Men can’t simply be removed from their role in society and family without there being horrible repercussions. It’s time the media stopped marginalizing and de-valuing men. It’s time some people started to realize what everyone else has already noticed.

Everyone Else hopes this has offended someone.