Meet the Olympians

Today everyone else will continue our wildly popular series highlighting the excitement of the Beijing Olympics.  This is the first in a series of exposes we will do on the Olympians themselves.

We think it is important that all of us now get acquinted with the Gold Medal winning Chinese Women’s Gymnastics team!

16 Year old Yang Yi-Lin preparing for the Pommel Horse

First is 16 Year old Yang Yi-Lin.  She has been into gymnastics since she was 3 years old in 1995, according to a Chinese Olympic spokesman.  According to her official biography from Xinhua, Yi-Lin was born to a humble farm family in 1992 and her first words were “I want to go away from you Mom and Dad and be trained to destroy the decadent Americans by doing a lot of twists and flips in the air.”  Kids say the darnedest things.  But with her childhood behind her, 16 year old Yi-Lin is singularly focused on Olympic gold.

16 year old He Ke-Xin

Next comes young powerhouse He Ke-Xin, also 16 according to her official passport.  Ke-Xin is most excited to be at the Olympics because she gets “to see the pretty colors, and my coach says if I do well he’ll buy me a pony,” she said at a recent interview by everyone else’s crack team of reporters.  She’s very nervous right now,” said her official handler, Wang Chi-yun, adding, “Please no more pictures of Ke-Xin in her jam-jams.  She needs her nappy poo.”

16 year old Yu-Yuan

Finally we have Floor Excercise expert Jiang Yu-Yuan.  Not much is known about Yu-Yuan, and the reclusive Yu-Yuan is not prone to giving interviews.  But everyone else did manage to get a chance to meet her 2 days ago just before she began her competition, where we were able to snap the picture above.  When asked about her chances in the competition, she responded “da!” and pointed to a bottle full of milk sitting nearby.  We don’t know much Chinese, but that must have been a powerful statement of national pride or something.  Her handlers, visibly unhappy about our interview, ushered us out.  “We don’t know what the problem is.  She’s 16.  She doesn’t like to talk about it.  She can’t talk now because she’s probably busy talking on the phone and dating boys, or worrying about acne,” said her handler Xi-Yoon.  When asked about her total lack of teeth, her handler quickly notified security, and we were sent out.

All pictures were taken at the Beijing Olympics

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People we’ve offended: 12 year old girls on the Chinese Olympic team, the Chinese who probably would have won the girls gymnastics competition even if they hadn’t used underaged girls, the Chinese who have put on a great Olympics so far despite their goal of winning at any cost, people who take gymnastics seriously

~ by everyoneelse on August 15, 2008.